Loganthinks

So i've been wasting quite a few of my youthful hours and days recently playing this wickedly frustrating online "slime volleyball" game. I can get to the final level, which, if you can believe it, is a handicap sudden-death match which forces you to score on an opponent slime 6 times in a row to win in a situation where you are unfailry outmatched in every possible way. It's basically like trying to fight Keanu Reeves in the Matrix except he's the funky move master and you're like a 400 pound paraplegic on a very slow skateboard.
Anyway, after coming within a point of FINALLY beating this god-forsaken piece of SHIT game numerous times (before inevitably losing, thanks to some physically impossible move perpetrated by the cheating coalition of Slime Volleyball oppponents) , I decided to quit before i broke something and instead to tell off the smug bastard who made the game. I read up on the guy by looking through his site, and clearly he deserves alot more than i can send him in one angry email. The guy i svery convinced he is THE MAN for having put this game on the web so we can all be frustrated by it. His webpage is stuffed full of snappily-worded FAQ links and bitchy one-liners that enable the reader to envision a skinny, uppity, thinks-he's-the-shit-at-his-IT-department-job type of asshole who finishes arguments with the little "oh-no-girlfreind" finger snap n' wave.

Anyway, under the guise of reporting a bug in the game (and how subtle a guise it is), here's a copy of the email i sent mr. fantastic:

NOTE
if you are not familliar with the game, your character is labeled "inferior human-controlled slime" and you fight your way through ordered opponents named "pathetic white slime", "angry red slime", "master slime", and then finally "psycho slime" (you're all just actually little mounds that play pong).
If you'd like to see what all the fuss is about yourself, or maybe sign this mothefucker up for some bestiality porn sites, the website is: http://www.student.uwa.edu.au/~wedgey/slime1/

now the email:
*

Ok,

so beyond my INCREDIBLE beef with this game, there is a bona fide error that has screwed me a couple of times in my obessive compulsive quest to finally beat the STUPIDLY unfair psycho slime who cheats with amazing frequency and who bends the very physics of the game to which your inferior human controlled slime is bound.

the error is simply the frequency in which enemy slimes get caught in a.i. loops. What i mean by this is when one slime will start hitting the ball against the wall without changing course and thus freezing and ending the game by never actually hitting it back to the player. This fuck-up isn't limited to any particular slime, but it usually happens to psycho or master slime when they are trying to unfairly weasel out of a perfectly placed shot.

just so you know, when i do beat mr. psycho slime on his 5 goal handicap bonus level (which by the way, was the WORST, most FRUSTRATINGLY UNNESCCESARY addition to this game possible), i will definitely feel stupider for having wasted my time on this.

Also - u might want to note that while hitting "L" on your keyboard repeats the level you fought so hard to get to, accidentally hitting "K" sends you back to the start, negating sometimes hours of effort - and hey.. where's the "K" button? oh, its right here, NEXT TO THE "L"! how convenient!

Also note the gayness by which the ball occasionally PASSES THROUGH your human controlled slime while attempting to block a shot. does that ever happen to psycho slime or master slime?

of course!

when ponies wear sportcoats and learn to play guitar.

Since ponies are still non-musical, non-clothed creatures, we find instead that the master slime and psycho slime are ACTUALLY from planet KRYPTON, and the power of EARTH's YELLOW SUN allows them powers unimaginable to the physical world of slime volleyball - that is, the power to mystically move fast, to allow a ball to roll along the ground without being called "out", and the ability to take a ball heading one direction, "grab it" with no visible HANDS OR APPARATUS TO DO SO, and then REDIRECT it in a slam dunk motion which should be quite evidently IMPOSSSIBLE for any such creature to do - but most unfairly, which is quite impossible for your own human controlled slime to pull off.

so keep up the good work timmy

and PLEASE GOD do not EVER get a job writing real video games, lest you become the primary target of hit-list-toting, pimply teenage video-game-obbsessed shut-ins all over our great country.

crap you very much

and dicks to your mother
-g
*

so much candy...

such.. a stupid.. weekend....

So now - the rundown given in the impersonal past tense:

chinese buffet was eaten

shots were taken

tabs were paid for by other people

buckets were puked in

dumb conversations were had

girlfriends were mad

easter was attended

stomachs were upset

too much chocolate was eaten

dogs were left at girlfriends' houses

roomates dissappeared

basketball was watched

mouse was sighted eating dog food out of dog's bowl

slime volleyball was played

*************http://www.student.uwa.edu.au/~wedgey/slime1/ ***************

can't beat the last slime in slime volleyball

resulting in burnination

of my computer,

a bad fucking case of ADD,

and the wonderful inability to sleep

happy 5 AM on a monday folks.

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep