Loganthinks

Gotta think alot more before i post anything about this piece of SHIT night...

So.. Sleepy

SO welcome to the all night and all day awakeness experiment


the day where gabe takes aderol and stays awake for 48 hrs!

awesome.

for the record, the beer has worn off, paul has since attempted to go to Jamaica, and dave will be leaving for Kansas shortly..

I will be writing furiously now and getting all sorts of crap done that i wouldn't normally do because of my insomniac bad-dream sleep tendencies of late... I guess i've decided to fight back against my body's unfair "you cant sleep and if you do it will be nightmare-ridden/1 hour at a time sleep" policy... I sleep until 4pm some days but still only manage a few hours of actual sleep thanks to this. and i 'm fed up with it.
so today i will restart my sleep cycle.

and get shit done in the meantime.

the wierdest thing about being up all night though is the eventual feeling that takes over - somewhere around the time the morning weatherman comes on your TV sipping his coffee in his new pressed shirt - its a feeling that you've watched a whole cycle of people start, finish, and re-start their day. I guess it's that Voyeuristic thing that's so intriguing about geting to be an un-involved observer to the passing of time...

Sort of like being the proverbial 'fly on the wall' - you get to watch the world go by for people you don't know at all - and for people very close to you - all at once... they zip by and you get to take it all in like reading a really long, intricately complicated, and ever-evolving book.
The guy doing traffic on TV looks tired and the camera looking onto 695 is all foggy thanks to the rain. He's probably got 4 hrs. sleep having woken up at 3 AM to haul his ass down to the station and get made up, preened, and given the reports to read. THen there' s Paul, running around from place to place all night in a state of amused panic, finding his wallet, his hoodie, his birth certificate hidden amongst the mess that makes up his room. He laughs and reminisces about the last time we were in Jamaica for spring break, takes waay too many cigarette breaks, and even shaves off his signature scruff/beard/goatee that hides his happy fat-baby-elf look. I help him weed out unnecessary things like shampoo form his bag, and then he waddles out the door, overstuffed bag in tow, off to another hemisphere. Soon, with much less freindly fanfare, Dave will be doing the same thing on his way to Kansas and Michigan - the last leg of his Graduate School medely that's turned him into a sleep-walking introvert for the last month. And i'm watching all this happen, sometimes sad that i'm stuck behind doing nothing and other times happy to be sitting content in my boxers as they panic to get their shit together. Sort of like the guy on TV. I'm gald i don't have his job.

Of course, as you get more tired you lose the ability to function with full mental and physcial control, and therefore it becomes harder to adeqautely express the crazy way in which you're precieving the world after being continuously awake. It eventually becomes akin to being on drugs, and you lose the creative ability to translate sleep-deprived notions into anything cogent. That is the sucky part - I can already feel my words stumbling on eachother, but since i'm rambling as it is it's not much of a concern... I'm kinda just writing to try and tell you - you, the internet. You the anonymous observer who is the imagined reader of this horseshit - that since i've decided to stay up all night, i might as well try and talk about how it feels...

haha so emo.

no, but seriously, since the beginning of college i've been bullshitting and procrastinating myself into all-nighter situations and it's really a unique feeling that comes when the next day hits... usually its temeperd by the fact that you know how bad the paper you just wrote is, but now there's none of that guilt because i don't care how bad this is because there isnt' a TA waiting to mark it all up with red-pen-questions like "SO WHAT?" and "SUPPORT WITH EVIDENCE!"

TA's are gay. Tho if i go to Grad, i want to be one.

I hope i don't have to pick up paul from the airport because his papers aren't notarized.

i hope we don't go to war today because then we'll all know what it's like to be helpless observers watching crazy shit happen.

i hope it stops raining so i can walk logan....
...but not quite yet, i can't find my pants.

I hope i didnt' drunken email my boss by accident.

time to shower and regroup.

-pz

WOOO KIDS

some beer says hello

it gets so oooooo oo much worse

i am creeped out about a scary movie i watched while wasted

and now paul is not here

and i hear noises

which is actually just the mice eating things in our apartment

because we live in a SHITHOLE PIECE OF SHIT CONDEMMED SLUM GHETTO ROWHOUSE

but logan's got that shit covered....



DAves girlfreind is mad at dave

or so it seems

but dave is mad at everyone so who knows

she called

and wanted paul and me to come out drinking

once she learned dave was asleep and unwilling to come out

but that would be silly of us to do

so we one-upped her

and got drunk by ourselves.


meanwhile.................................Paul is on a hopeless quest to actually be packed and ready to leave on an international flight tommorow mornign at like 6 AM

best of luck vagina tron


-
"i'm going to emmit's fix it shop.... to .. fix.. emmit"

-for the next week i live vicariously through the vagitron as he despretaly clings to youth in jamaica...
THATS TWO FISH SANDWICHES. WAtch out for the blue girl. Dont go to mr. slice and you don't want to buy sandals. Hang with indian statue guy and find our fucking frisbee and for FUCKS SAKE dont' sacre the topless chicks away!
and follow Cenkos' rules for dating.....

see, now i want to go to jamaica

-the wierdness continues

and i wonder when i get to go to the beach..........

WEIRD ASS NIGHT AT 2916!

will vaigtron make it to jamaica? will he bribe a 24 hour notary service to notarize his photocopied birth cirtificate? will dave continue to be mad at everyone for no particular reason and stomp around the house?

will i keep drikning beer and misspellign shit?

STAY TUNED!

-Ba donka donk donk

People are leaving soon.

Maybe i am leaving soon, but it's too soon to guess where i'm going yet.


I told dave the other night that once you know people are on their way out the door, it becomes inevitable that it feels like they've already gone. That's really been true alot of times. Like the end of a sleepover in middle school, the house is no longer fun but cramped and stale... and the people walk by you with their eyes and minds somewhere else.
It's funny because i'm already thinking about packing up my room, and it's only just March.

I'm feeling stupid and manic and wierd tonight - avoided most of everyone, talked with my mom and my ex girlfriend today and both times hung up the phone feeling less clear on everything than i was before. I feel like i work so hard on the phone to explain the way i've lived for the last year to people, or to excuse it - all i end up doing is rambling and stumbling on my words until i trail off and hope that the person on the other end of the line is listening well enough to pick up what i'm trying to say.

So what are you doing with yourself? *not much... writing, thinking.. playing a little music, dreading work, occasionally preparing for GRE's and stuff...
What are your plans? *Umm....
Why aren't you working? * well, i am technically... but not enough
Why not? * i'm comfrotable/lazy/uncertain and i just haven't been able to pull myself up enough to give living here a real shot anymore.
Where do you want to be next year? *not here i don't think...
How are you and Jenn? *good.. bad.. the same.. better...i don't know how to answer that.
What do you want to do with yourself? *haha
What motivates you? *sometimes nothing... if anything, just ideas i had a while ago...
What are you afraid of? *haha... yup.


I ususally end up steering conversations away from topics like these before they go too far, but whether i'm talking about this or joking about Paul's puke, drunken wrestling, or anything else dumb and distracting... these feelings still settle just below the surface like dead cold tissue.

one step at a time says mom.

Steps

- what should jenn get for her birthday?
-how the fuck i'm i going to teach anything, let alone the SAT, to 16 baltimore inner city highschoolers?

Just blow through the ceiling...

as paul dissppears into Jamaica and the rest of his crazy life, and dave unto the wilds of School and the wide open world he has at his feet

maybe just go

maybe not

Logan will tell me what to do

she needs a walk anyways.

So there's some bitch with a blog that's about her cat "written by her cat" on Blogger...HAHA SO FUCKING ORIGINAL YOU WHORE! thankfully we're spared her cat's witticisms because she then pretends to be a pirate (i'm not kidding) and spends her time updating the site with things pirates might say. Its times like these that make me so glad my life was never so PATHETIC as to start a web-diary under the premise that the included incoherent nonsense is co authored by my CAT.

some people clearly suck.

I was thinking, as another wasted night drew by washing jenn's dishes because i'm being nice, that on the off chance that Maryland wins the NCAA's this year (or even if they don't really), college park will probably have riots again and alot of people will get hurt and alot of stuff will get broken.
I don't know why i was thinking this, but it seems with Duke losing to St. Sucks' the other day and no other teams in the ACC being even close to the Power Rankings top 10, that college basketball this year - while exciting - isn't going to be a boost to anyone's hometown pride that i know of. I don't know anyone from Arizona or Kentucky, which is why this seems true; the highest ranked ACC team in the Power Rankings is Wake Forest, and god knows who the fuck likes or has even been to Wake Forest.
So my intial reaction to the probability of college park being in yet another sports indcued riot wasn't very thoughtful - let the fuckers burn. All the people involved in those riots make their own beds by living there, attending that school, being so ridiculously over-invovled with their sports teams, and wasting all that money on hyping shit up until it becomes like a coked up case of blue balls every time they fucking lose.
"GODDDAMM IT WE (won/lost) I GOTTA BREAAAAK SHIT AND SHOW MY (support/discontent) AND MAYBE GET TO SEE SOME TITTIES"
Sometimes , that seems like all there is to it.

But then you've got to think about what it's like to be in a riot.

When i was training to be a Teacher for Princeton Review i was sequestered for two weekends in DC with about 10 kids who were going through the same tests and preparations as i was. Most were in their late twenties but a handfull were actually still in college, and these two particular chicks who ate lunch at Chipotle and very much looked the part were both seniors at UMD. When we had breaks most of us would either go out to smoke or make mundane small talk about our schools - thankfully, no one gave a shit about Hopkins, except to wonder whether i really went there. SO this one guy was from Seattle and said that he had been involved in the anti-WTO movement that staged a bunch of protests there last year, and told some pretty wierd stories about the marches that had happened. This got the girls from Maryland into the conversation.
Girl 1 "How many people do you think were marching in the streets?"
Guy "At times it seemed like a lot, like hundreds. But there were so many cops everywhere that people just ran from spot to spot trying not to get arrested"
Girl 2"Haha"
Girl 1"Hey (to girl2), were you in the riot (whenever) at school?"
Girl 2"Shityea. That one was actually not as good as the one when we almost made it but lost... people went nuts that time"
Girl 1"Oh i know. Seriously, I was with all my friends out in front just watching the shit happen - we could see the fires and all, and they were trying to break a bunch of store windows but mostly people were just walking around trying to get in fights or flash eachother"
Girl 2"I KNOW IT WAS LIKE MARDI GRAS!"
(I want to, but don't say anything)
Girl 1"yea, but it sucked because it wasn't even the students doing the looting mostly. it was just older people from around town. I saw this on guy wiht no pants..."
(this goes on for some time, but you get the idea)

Haha.

Like Mardi Gras.

Clearly, these two chicks were on the front lawn of thier dorm wherever pounding beers and cheering to sight of half naked men and women stumbling around a bonfire. As much as theyd like to think they can say they were in a riot...
my 2 cents.
i imagine that a real riot is nothing like that.

I like to think that a real riot is kind of like a larger version of the pit at a live show, without the focus of the band playing. Maybe it's more like a fight where alot of people are drunk and semi-involved, and no one's sure how far to take it or what's going to happen next because there's no one in charge except the intertia of group dynamics.
Whichever...
What it really seems like to me is one of those situations where the individual dissappears into this werd zone of mob-conciousness, where everything is deteremined by some sort of tidal influence rather than reason or ethic. I've been in crowded fights and concerts and shit where normal rules of interaction give way to larger rules of excitement, anger, and frustration. It's a really fucked up and really exhilarating, and the less you think about the situation you're in the more it feels like you get to piss in the face of everything that ever got you mad or held you down , and those things become whatever persons' face, or whichever store window, or whichever piece of public property is nearest and most easy to break. So besides the anonymity of being part of a huge crowd thats fucked up and inevitably gets to see some sort of nakedness...
Riots are not like mardi gras.

But i guess i make a deal of it because I keep the self-inflicted and useless duty of defending even undefendable New Orleans traditions from idiots who would cheapen it even more.

But what the fuck do those girls know anyway, they go to university of Maryland.

LOGAN:

http://www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com/

just one of those sites that makes you glad you're not obese... or an uneducated Mexican with a computer.

i had nothin today anyway...

Matthias, clearly you are the moron. you should make more sense sometimes.

I picked up dave from the airport.