Friday, February 13, 2004
on schedule for tonight
now going through the motions
of pulling yourself away
from things that like you
from things you like
do my home remedies for things that broke and that dont go back together
somewhere in my head
the pattern is getting tired
and i am getting tired of it
nothing
in its right place
now going through the motions
of pulling yourself away
from things that like you
from things you like
do my home remedies for things that broke and that dont go back together
somewhere in my head
the pattern is getting tired
and i am getting tired of it
nothing
in its right place
what is really wierd
is to come to write here
and see what you wrote before
who wrote that?
why is that here
all stupid.
oh man, if only i wrote more about videogames.
if only i thought i was writing a funny column about video games cheating.
oh man.
is to come to write here
and see what you wrote before
who wrote that?
why is that here
all stupid.
oh man, if only i wrote more about videogames.
if only i thought i was writing a funny column about video games cheating.
oh man.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Video game justice was swift and terrible tonight at my house.
I am playing NBA 2003, and out of novelty i am giving the washington wizards a chance to shine against the sorry, last-in-the-league-ranked denver nuggets.
what starts as soon as the opening tipoff is a series of goofy fouls like "back court violation" and "3 seconds in the paint". i steer jordan and his crew of suckers into halftime with a five point defecit and some really funny shooting precentages.
if you're like me, you do things that can even embarras the game itself.
Case and point: I am getting frustrated because none of the wizards guards can shoot a 3 - even when i send to the ball to jordan and give him an open look. i shoot, it bouces, no rebound. the game starts to nag me.
ANNOUNCER: "so whats been the key to the score at halftime bob?"
ANNOUNCER 2: "three point shooting. when they're shooting this poorly from the arc, they need to abandon the outside game and go for easier buckets"
ME: "shut the fuck up"
in the third quarter this fucker mark jackson on denver is suddenly inducted into basketball heaven and becomes jesus on the basketball court. He hits shots when he isnt even looking. At one point i stick three guys on him and he does this wierd, physics defying move where his shooting arm moves transparently through the torso of my center and sinks a fade away three pointer. with a foul.
ANNOUNCER: "i cant belive i just saw that"
ANNOUNCER 2: "MM - mm. he's a special player"
ME: "I will fuck your mother"
i am down by 12 at the start of the 4th, and since it is late and i should be asleep, i decide to break what i should have known was a very important rule. i go to the options menu and drop the game difficulty from "pro" to "amature".
Guiltily, but expectantly, i start the 4th quarter, plotting revenge.
PROGRAM 1: "shit. he set the game to easy"
PROGRAM 2: "fuck that noise."
i begin by having my inbound pass blocked. i cant belive it. jordan is still 0/8 from three point land. my entire offensice scheme now is just sending jordan to the arc and letting one loose. i mean, the fucking percentages are there. statistcally he HAS to hit one.
ANNOUNCER: "jordan really needs to think about his shot selection"
ME: "fucking fuck shut the fucking shit fuck up before i fuck your fucking mother fuck"
the last two minutes are a catastrophe. the game keeps scolding me for shooting with jordan, and "superjesus" jackson keeps defying nature for the denver nuggets. the game clock expires and i have lost, set on easy, by 25.
and now there is no way i am going to bed.
JUSTICE:
justice doesnt have to be life altering to be important.
i dont need world peace.
i need video games to know their goddamn fucking place.
They are here to ENTERTAIN me. They are here to give me a good game before succumbing to my inevitable rise to victory. If not that, they are at LEAST bound to the same physical laws that i am. and if not, they should be aware the the denver nuggets, in 2003, were FUCKING TERRIBLE.
anyway.
The key it seemed, was changin the game clock.
4 minute quarters to 10 minute quarters.
And I, instead of the washington wizards, am the new orleans hornets.
And for the purposes of full on fucking the shit out of this game, the difficulty, from the beginning, is set to "amature".
ok you denver fucks.
the greatest thing about "amature" setting isn't the fact that the other team run into eachother on the court.
It's not that they hardly ever try to drive on you, or that they step out of bounds like it's their job.
Its that certain players on MY team can, virtually AT WILL, steal the ball from their players without getting a penalty.
and then dunk it.
or shoot a 3.
or do a dance, then shoot a 3.
Baron Davis stole the ball 37 times in his first 3 quarters and scored 49 points, and every rediculously cool score i pull off, i am smiling with self-satisfaction, showing (by ACTIONS) the video game my awesomeness and its not-awesomeness.
it didnt actually seem like it would be a blowout until the half, where thanks to a really long game clock, the score was 70 -18.
but the game didn't have a cheater-chip big enough built into its programming to counter my awesomeness.
The third quarter was hilarious, like a Harlem Globetrotter game against Small White Stableboy's Academy's JV team.
i wanted to make all my subs look awesome too, but the computer was in charge of subbing and refused to put in my white guys until the 4th.
And even they could not be stopped.
New Orleans has a white guy who normally sees 1 minute a game, and a big guy named TRACTOR TRAYLOR who weights something like 600 pounds.
both scored in double figures, and i was the king of all that is man.
GABE: 149
the DENVER NUGGETS: suck
it was actually 149 - 36.
I am
so
FUCKING
AWEsome.
goodnight.
official stats:
i said "fuck" - 17 - in this stupid post.
time spent writing this - 26 - minutes.
time spent playing NBA tonight - 95 - minutes
amount jenn is annoyed by my continued typing - very much -
I am playing NBA 2003, and out of novelty i am giving the washington wizards a chance to shine against the sorry, last-in-the-league-ranked denver nuggets.
what starts as soon as the opening tipoff is a series of goofy fouls like "back court violation" and "3 seconds in the paint". i steer jordan and his crew of suckers into halftime with a five point defecit and some really funny shooting precentages.
if you're like me, you do things that can even embarras the game itself.
Case and point: I am getting frustrated because none of the wizards guards can shoot a 3 - even when i send to the ball to jordan and give him an open look. i shoot, it bouces, no rebound. the game starts to nag me.
ANNOUNCER: "so whats been the key to the score at halftime bob?"
ANNOUNCER 2: "three point shooting. when they're shooting this poorly from the arc, they need to abandon the outside game and go for easier buckets"
ME: "shut the fuck up"
in the third quarter this fucker mark jackson on denver is suddenly inducted into basketball heaven and becomes jesus on the basketball court. He hits shots when he isnt even looking. At one point i stick three guys on him and he does this wierd, physics defying move where his shooting arm moves transparently through the torso of my center and sinks a fade away three pointer. with a foul.
ANNOUNCER: "i cant belive i just saw that"
ANNOUNCER 2: "MM - mm. he's a special player"
ME: "I will fuck your mother"
i am down by 12 at the start of the 4th, and since it is late and i should be asleep, i decide to break what i should have known was a very important rule. i go to the options menu and drop the game difficulty from "pro" to "amature".
Guiltily, but expectantly, i start the 4th quarter, plotting revenge.
PROGRAM 1: "shit. he set the game to easy"
PROGRAM 2: "fuck that noise."
i begin by having my inbound pass blocked. i cant belive it. jordan is still 0/8 from three point land. my entire offensice scheme now is just sending jordan to the arc and letting one loose. i mean, the fucking percentages are there. statistcally he HAS to hit one.
ANNOUNCER: "jordan really needs to think about his shot selection"
ME: "fucking fuck shut the fucking shit fuck up before i fuck your fucking mother fuck"
the last two minutes are a catastrophe. the game keeps scolding me for shooting with jordan, and "superjesus" jackson keeps defying nature for the denver nuggets. the game clock expires and i have lost, set on easy, by 25.
and now there is no way i am going to bed.
JUSTICE:
justice doesnt have to be life altering to be important.
i dont need world peace.
i need video games to know their goddamn fucking place.
They are here to ENTERTAIN me. They are here to give me a good game before succumbing to my inevitable rise to victory. If not that, they are at LEAST bound to the same physical laws that i am. and if not, they should be aware the the denver nuggets, in 2003, were FUCKING TERRIBLE.
anyway.
The key it seemed, was changin the game clock.
4 minute quarters to 10 minute quarters.
And I, instead of the washington wizards, am the new orleans hornets.
And for the purposes of full on fucking the shit out of this game, the difficulty, from the beginning, is set to "amature".
ok you denver fucks.
the greatest thing about "amature" setting isn't the fact that the other team run into eachother on the court.
It's not that they hardly ever try to drive on you, or that they step out of bounds like it's their job.
Its that certain players on MY team can, virtually AT WILL, steal the ball from their players without getting a penalty.
and then dunk it.
or shoot a 3.
or do a dance, then shoot a 3.
Baron Davis stole the ball 37 times in his first 3 quarters and scored 49 points, and every rediculously cool score i pull off, i am smiling with self-satisfaction, showing (by ACTIONS) the video game my awesomeness and its not-awesomeness.
it didnt actually seem like it would be a blowout until the half, where thanks to a really long game clock, the score was 70 -18.
but the game didn't have a cheater-chip big enough built into its programming to counter my awesomeness.
The third quarter was hilarious, like a Harlem Globetrotter game against Small White Stableboy's Academy's JV team.
i wanted to make all my subs look awesome too, but the computer was in charge of subbing and refused to put in my white guys until the 4th.
And even they could not be stopped.
New Orleans has a white guy who normally sees 1 minute a game, and a big guy named TRACTOR TRAYLOR who weights something like 600 pounds.
both scored in double figures, and i was the king of all that is man.
GABE: 149
the DENVER NUGGETS: suck
it was actually 149 - 36.
I am
so
FUCKING
AWEsome.
goodnight.
official stats:
i said "fuck" - 17 - in this stupid post.
time spent writing this - 26 - minutes.
time spent playing NBA tonight - 95 - minutes
amount jenn is annoyed by my continued typing - very much -
