Sunday, March 14, 2004
Wrestlemania twenty was on tonight.
In edgewood. At Chuck's house.
Tonight I re-experienced the full spectrum of emotions in 5 hours (yes it was 5 hours long) that i once felt while playing "WWE Smackdown : HERE COMES THE PAIN!" on playstation with Paul and Dave last year.
It's easy to find an analogy for watching this much wrestling.
maybe like drinking a Steele Reserve:
it is tough at the beginning but you've dealt with worse things... it's almost 'good' half-way through - everything is feeling fine... Then maybe you peel the label off and start to pace yourself a little (this doesnt relate to wrestling but i like to peel the labels off of 40's when they start to suck).... and then like nails on a chalkboard for the last 5 ounces, the end is godawful...time slows down... and without a new activity waiting for you when it's all over, you're left confused and disoriented...
and stupid.
Wreslemania is on pay per view.
Chuck gets free pay per view for some reason, but i don't ask because it is his TV that brought me the "lengerie bowl" at superbowl halftime.
But now i trust this pay per view to entertain me again, and that is my mistake...
(quickly)Wrestlemania starts flashy and full of women loosing their outerwear... which is great for the first few beers... then Rey Mysterio Jr. does some wicked luchador move on the ropes and THAT WAS THE COOLEST FUCKING THING I HAVE SEEN ON TV.... then some guys duke it out in the filler matches and pizza is ordered... then the title fight crawls its way to the spotlight with what seems like 100 million "changes of momentum", each bloody guy taking turns staggering around throwing his opponent onto tabletops full of surprised spanish television announcers.
Then there's another title match, based on a fight that happened before, and which requires half-an-hour of video highlights to refresh everyone's memory.
This could essentially be a summary of any of the 950 matches shown during Wrestlemania XX, but it best sums up what i was watching during my 4th-6th beer...
9PM - Video highlight - "remember last year when that dude who dresses all in red killed the undertaker and seemed to bury him alive in a real grave onstage before lowering a toombstone on top and dancing around drinking blood?"
Me - "no."
Video highlight - "well, now that dude is here! except he's not in red anymore; he's shaved all his body hair and is wearing a speedo."
Me - "eew."
Video highlight - "here is all that history.. in slow motion..."
9:30
Me - "The undertaker is clearly dead. he got buried, and by this logic will obviously not wrestle ever again. i know this because that is all they have been showing me for the last 30 minutes."
9:45
Me - "no wait, he's not DEAD. he's ALIVE. that's just scientifically impossible."
10:00
Me - "even more crazy, he's not only alive, but he's going fight a REMATCH! its revenge from BEYOND THE GRAVE!"
fight fight fight fight fight someone bleeds fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight somone is thrown into the crowd fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight it's a pin, no he's escaped! fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight another pin! fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight now he's pinned again! fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight somone has distracted the referees and is helping the one guy CHEAT fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight
11:00
and this one's just about ove....NO ITS A REVERSAL!
oh man...
11:45
quietly toss the beers -
shake hands, and think about what you've just spent the evening watching
... and a long silent car ride home.
on a wierd final note - Wrestlemania had an intermission where they inducted wrestling "hall of famers" into the archives of the WWF/WWE/ whatever.
a big lineup of them stood side by side, each waving to the crowd as they were introduced.
The crowd cheered louder as each personality was announced.
Some were geriatric.
some were dead, and their kids were standing in place of them.
Some guy named "the king" made everybody stand up and cheer.
One guy looked to be not fully awake when his name was called.
Then Sargeant Slaughter was announced, and the crowd saluted him and chanted "U-S-A".
I liked him in GI JOE, but in real life his moustache is definitely fake.
Jesse "the Body" Ventura is next, looking big and governor-y.
the crowd is loving it.
and then to the last in line...
why not
it's Pete Rose.
no shit.
In edgewood. At Chuck's house.
Tonight I re-experienced the full spectrum of emotions in 5 hours (yes it was 5 hours long) that i once felt while playing "WWE Smackdown : HERE COMES THE PAIN!" on playstation with Paul and Dave last year.
It's easy to find an analogy for watching this much wrestling.
maybe like drinking a Steele Reserve:
it is tough at the beginning but you've dealt with worse things... it's almost 'good' half-way through - everything is feeling fine... Then maybe you peel the label off and start to pace yourself a little (this doesnt relate to wrestling but i like to peel the labels off of 40's when they start to suck).... and then like nails on a chalkboard for the last 5 ounces, the end is godawful...time slows down... and without a new activity waiting for you when it's all over, you're left confused and disoriented...
and stupid.
Wreslemania is on pay per view.
Chuck gets free pay per view for some reason, but i don't ask because it is his TV that brought me the "lengerie bowl" at superbowl halftime.
But now i trust this pay per view to entertain me again, and that is my mistake...
(quickly)Wrestlemania starts flashy and full of women loosing their outerwear... which is great for the first few beers... then Rey Mysterio Jr. does some wicked luchador move on the ropes and THAT WAS THE COOLEST FUCKING THING I HAVE SEEN ON TV.... then some guys duke it out in the filler matches and pizza is ordered... then the title fight crawls its way to the spotlight with what seems like 100 million "changes of momentum", each bloody guy taking turns staggering around throwing his opponent onto tabletops full of surprised spanish television announcers.
Then there's another title match, based on a fight that happened before, and which requires half-an-hour of video highlights to refresh everyone's memory.
This could essentially be a summary of any of the 950 matches shown during Wrestlemania XX, but it best sums up what i was watching during my 4th-6th beer...
9PM - Video highlight - "remember last year when that dude who dresses all in red killed the undertaker and seemed to bury him alive in a real grave onstage before lowering a toombstone on top and dancing around drinking blood?"
Me - "no."
Video highlight - "well, now that dude is here! except he's not in red anymore; he's shaved all his body hair and is wearing a speedo."
Me - "eew."
Video highlight - "here is all that history.. in slow motion..."
9:30
Me - "The undertaker is clearly dead. he got buried, and by this logic will obviously not wrestle ever again. i know this because that is all they have been showing me for the last 30 minutes."
9:45
Me - "no wait, he's not DEAD. he's ALIVE. that's just scientifically impossible."
10:00
Me - "even more crazy, he's not only alive, but he's going fight a REMATCH! its revenge from BEYOND THE GRAVE!"
fight fight fight fight fight someone bleeds fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight somone is thrown into the crowd fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight it's a pin, no he's escaped! fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight another pin! fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight now he's pinned again! fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight somone has distracted the referees and is helping the one guy CHEAT fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight
11:00
and this one's just about ove....NO ITS A REVERSAL!
oh man...
11:45
quietly toss the beers -
shake hands, and think about what you've just spent the evening watching
... and a long silent car ride home.
on a wierd final note - Wrestlemania had an intermission where they inducted wrestling "hall of famers" into the archives of the WWF/WWE/ whatever.
a big lineup of them stood side by side, each waving to the crowd as they were introduced.
The crowd cheered louder as each personality was announced.
Some were geriatric.
some were dead, and their kids were standing in place of them.
Some guy named "the king" made everybody stand up and cheer.
One guy looked to be not fully awake when his name was called.
Then Sargeant Slaughter was announced, and the crowd saluted him and chanted "U-S-A".
I liked him in GI JOE, but in real life his moustache is definitely fake.
Jesse "the Body" Ventura is next, looking big and governor-y.
the crowd is loving it.
and then to the last in line...
why not
it's Pete Rose.
no shit.
