Tuesday, March 04, 2003
People are leaving soon.
Maybe i am leaving soon, but it's too soon to guess where i'm going yet.
I told dave the other night that once you know people are on their way out the door, it becomes inevitable that it feels like they've already gone. That's really been true alot of times. Like the end of a sleepover in middle school, the house is no longer fun but cramped and stale... and the people walk by you with their eyes and minds somewhere else.
It's funny because i'm already thinking about packing up my room, and it's only just March.
I'm feeling stupid and manic and wierd tonight - avoided most of everyone, talked with my mom and my ex girlfriend today and both times hung up the phone feeling less clear on everything than i was before. I feel like i work so hard on the phone to explain the way i've lived for the last year to people, or to excuse it - all i end up doing is rambling and stumbling on my words until i trail off and hope that the person on the other end of the line is listening well enough to pick up what i'm trying to say.
So what are you doing with yourself? *not much... writing, thinking.. playing a little music, dreading work, occasionally preparing for GRE's and stuff...
What are your plans? *Umm....
Why aren't you working? * well, i am technically... but not enough
Why not? * i'm comfrotable/lazy/uncertain and i just haven't been able to pull myself up enough to give living here a real shot anymore.
Where do you want to be next year? *not here i don't think...
How are you and Jenn? *good.. bad.. the same.. better...i don't know how to answer that.
What do you want to do with yourself? *haha
What motivates you? *sometimes nothing... if anything, just ideas i had a while ago...
What are you afraid of? *haha... yup.
I ususally end up steering conversations away from topics like these before they go too far, but whether i'm talking about this or joking about Paul's puke, drunken wrestling, or anything else dumb and distracting... these feelings still settle just below the surface like dead cold tissue.
one step at a time says mom.
Steps
- what should jenn get for her birthday?
-how the fuck i'm i going to teach anything, let alone the SAT, to 16 baltimore inner city highschoolers?
Just blow through the ceiling...
as paul dissppears into Jamaica and the rest of his crazy life, and dave unto the wilds of School and the wide open world he has at his feet
maybe just go
maybe not
Logan will tell me what to do
she needs a walk anyways.
Maybe i am leaving soon, but it's too soon to guess where i'm going yet.
I told dave the other night that once you know people are on their way out the door, it becomes inevitable that it feels like they've already gone. That's really been true alot of times. Like the end of a sleepover in middle school, the house is no longer fun but cramped and stale... and the people walk by you with their eyes and minds somewhere else.
It's funny because i'm already thinking about packing up my room, and it's only just March.
I'm feeling stupid and manic and wierd tonight - avoided most of everyone, talked with my mom and my ex girlfriend today and both times hung up the phone feeling less clear on everything than i was before. I feel like i work so hard on the phone to explain the way i've lived for the last year to people, or to excuse it - all i end up doing is rambling and stumbling on my words until i trail off and hope that the person on the other end of the line is listening well enough to pick up what i'm trying to say.
So what are you doing with yourself? *not much... writing, thinking.. playing a little music, dreading work, occasionally preparing for GRE's and stuff...
What are your plans? *Umm....
Why aren't you working? * well, i am technically... but not enough
Why not? * i'm comfrotable/lazy/uncertain and i just haven't been able to pull myself up enough to give living here a real shot anymore.
Where do you want to be next year? *not here i don't think...
How are you and Jenn? *good.. bad.. the same.. better...i don't know how to answer that.
What do you want to do with yourself? *haha
What motivates you? *sometimes nothing... if anything, just ideas i had a while ago...
What are you afraid of? *haha... yup.
I ususally end up steering conversations away from topics like these before they go too far, but whether i'm talking about this or joking about Paul's puke, drunken wrestling, or anything else dumb and distracting... these feelings still settle just below the surface like dead cold tissue.
one step at a time says mom.
Steps
- what should jenn get for her birthday?
-how the fuck i'm i going to teach anything, let alone the SAT, to 16 baltimore inner city highschoolers?
Just blow through the ceiling...
as paul dissppears into Jamaica and the rest of his crazy life, and dave unto the wilds of School and the wide open world he has at his feet
maybe just go
maybe not
Logan will tell me what to do
she needs a walk anyways.
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