Sunday, April 13, 2003
I'm pissed off today.
that's a pretty trite way to start writing something but it's the only thing i can think of. I'm coming back to the beginning of this after i finished writing it because i wanted to say that this was all stream of consciousness writing. I didn't think about it or change stuff around. I wrote it that way beacuse i'm upset and i don't really know what else to do other than just talk to a computer screen till i'm done. So whatver, non-impressive depressed drivel: begin.
I don't have a great reason to be pissed off, but I am. I'm trying not to take it out on people who don't deserve it.
I'm probably mostly pissed because i still have to live out one more month here at this apartment where it feels like everyone's already left, including me.
Days go by where I feel like i should just fucking pack up already and move early since the ineveitable is only a month away. I don't know how to feel about me or anyone else leaving either.
I guess before i was just upest because i felt like i'd miss my band and my old friends with them leaving and me moving out of Baltimore. But it's more that i would miss the atmosphere that we lived in at this piece of shit apartment, and the atmosphere by which we lived and drank and went about our lives. It felt good to avoid the real world for one more year. It felt good to drink and black out and play shows and fuck up and get in fights and trash the house.
It felt good even past the death of the band.
It felt good right up to recentley, but since the end of the band, the meaning and the mentality of the three of us slowly began to change. We've already left, all three of us, and sitting around waiting for reality to catch up is hard. It's probably the source of the ambiguous angst i can't shake this month and that i want to driect at paul and dave for some reason.
When the band stopped alot stopped.
But we didn't all really know it, so we kept acting like we were alive as a band, still a apart of somethng valid and new and ours. I don't mean we walked around pretending we still played shows or anything.
But none of us really understood how integral the band had been to all three of us (and dan as well, i suppose) coexisting the way we'd been doing. For dave and I the band was realization of very real and always frowned-upon dreams, and alot of subconsious weight was put not only on our success, but on the notion of our group as a creative unit, a familial unit, and so on - The band's existence validated the notion that despite who we were and where we were going, we were giants, assholes, and real motherfuckers... and not because of the fights or the drinking or any of the dumb shit we did really, but because we just knew that it was true.
I've stayed close to both kids since the band broke up, and i've even spent time with danny because he's a hell of a talented jewish monkey drummer. and a good kid too.
But recently we've all been through the last throes of the 2916 experience.
Dave decided on a school and started planning beyond May.
I couldn't go to Radiohead this summer with him, and our idea of staying close past hopkins kinda of slipped away.
Paul is finally having to do work to avoid not graduating.
Paul is also in the midst of his last semester with all of his freinds, his new band, and the fraternity - thus, he is rarely seen.
I found a new place to live, and moving plans are under way.
It got warm outside.
Packing and planning has made all of our departures an inevitable conclusion, but also a current reality, because in our heads we all really have gone by now.
We don't have much to say to eachother anymore - like, conversations are re-hashes of nothing, drinking nights have taken on a wierd, desperate quality.
i don't want to pretend i know everything tho.
Maybe paul and dave still have things to say. It might just be me.
I guess it's probably that I'm separating from people I care about prematurely to not feel it so much, but outside of that sort of pedestrian analysis, it seems like the essence of why dave and paul and i were freinds, and as close and happy as we were, has finally drained away.
With the band went us, and with us went college, and with college went the pod of youth/adulthood and everything else along with it.
But slowly.
And now April's half gone, and I feel pretty much all gone.
And i'm angry, but not in the driving, burning way that makes you break furniture and pick fights.
I'm angry in a hollow, uncertain way that has my bitterness probing in each direction in an effort to find a target. I'm back to doubting myself. I'm back to disliking and avoiding freinds and people that i care about.
Especially with dave, but with paul as well to some extent, I wonder that I've sewn the seeds for what's happening. I wonder at it, but i know that I sewed them probably because whatever it is inside of me that pushes people away does so because it knows, like with 2916 and At the Wheel, that the Belief and the hopes and the dreams that were a part of our band were beyond reality. WE may still all be better people for it, but our perspective then, and our dreams then, were so far gone that their departure was not only inevitable but probably necessary.
I probably said that wrong because in reading over it, i sound like i'm saying that it was all bullshit. I'm not saying that. Just that it was all too bigger-than-life, and after the fall of the band there wasn't anything else to keep that closeness, those dreams, and that surreal life alive.
So i'll miss it, and i'm angry and sad to see it, to see Paul and Dave, and to see 2916 Calvert go. Its funny because our apartment was a fantastically delapidated piece of shit.
It's funny because there were nights where I actually bloodied my knuckles against my roomates faces.
It's funny because there were nights where the band sounded like a bunch of fingerless primates whacking their instruments and yelling at eachother.
but i'll still miss it.
And i'm still afraid of what's next.
Like logan is afraid of that haircut appointment she's got coming to her on Tuesday.
She's a good dog.
Good little Logan.
Smelly Logan.
The best Ogan.
is Logan.
enough of this - as always - better days ahead.
*PS. apologies for the sophmoric poetry of yesterday's post. I liked it because at the time i wrote it, it still felt cool to really dislike popular marketable consumer culture. It was back in the Propaghandi days.
But that's not even what it's really about - i wrote it to be about what i felt all the options and easiness i had in my life could do to me - and maybe how the bombardment of this shit-conglamerate-culture, of simplicity, of atrificiality, and of all that is good and bad about American life can drive otherwise good and talented people into spoilage and atrophy.
um, now, apologies for that. no more writing.
that's a pretty trite way to start writing something but it's the only thing i can think of. I'm coming back to the beginning of this after i finished writing it because i wanted to say that this was all stream of consciousness writing. I didn't think about it or change stuff around. I wrote it that way beacuse i'm upset and i don't really know what else to do other than just talk to a computer screen till i'm done. So whatver, non-impressive depressed drivel: begin.
I don't have a great reason to be pissed off, but I am. I'm trying not to take it out on people who don't deserve it.
I'm probably mostly pissed because i still have to live out one more month here at this apartment where it feels like everyone's already left, including me.
Days go by where I feel like i should just fucking pack up already and move early since the ineveitable is only a month away. I don't know how to feel about me or anyone else leaving either.
I guess before i was just upest because i felt like i'd miss my band and my old friends with them leaving and me moving out of Baltimore. But it's more that i would miss the atmosphere that we lived in at this piece of shit apartment, and the atmosphere by which we lived and drank and went about our lives. It felt good to avoid the real world for one more year. It felt good to drink and black out and play shows and fuck up and get in fights and trash the house.
It felt good even past the death of the band.
It felt good right up to recentley, but since the end of the band, the meaning and the mentality of the three of us slowly began to change. We've already left, all three of us, and sitting around waiting for reality to catch up is hard. It's probably the source of the ambiguous angst i can't shake this month and that i want to driect at paul and dave for some reason.
When the band stopped alot stopped.
But we didn't all really know it, so we kept acting like we were alive as a band, still a apart of somethng valid and new and ours. I don't mean we walked around pretending we still played shows or anything.
But none of us really understood how integral the band had been to all three of us (and dan as well, i suppose) coexisting the way we'd been doing. For dave and I the band was realization of very real and always frowned-upon dreams, and alot of subconsious weight was put not only on our success, but on the notion of our group as a creative unit, a familial unit, and so on - The band's existence validated the notion that despite who we were and where we were going, we were giants, assholes, and real motherfuckers... and not because of the fights or the drinking or any of the dumb shit we did really, but because we just knew that it was true.
I've stayed close to both kids since the band broke up, and i've even spent time with danny because he's a hell of a talented jewish monkey drummer. and a good kid too.
But recently we've all been through the last throes of the 2916 experience.
Dave decided on a school and started planning beyond May.
I couldn't go to Radiohead this summer with him, and our idea of staying close past hopkins kinda of slipped away.
Paul is finally having to do work to avoid not graduating.
Paul is also in the midst of his last semester with all of his freinds, his new band, and the fraternity - thus, he is rarely seen.
I found a new place to live, and moving plans are under way.
It got warm outside.
Packing and planning has made all of our departures an inevitable conclusion, but also a current reality, because in our heads we all really have gone by now.
We don't have much to say to eachother anymore - like, conversations are re-hashes of nothing, drinking nights have taken on a wierd, desperate quality.
i don't want to pretend i know everything tho.
Maybe paul and dave still have things to say. It might just be me.
I guess it's probably that I'm separating from people I care about prematurely to not feel it so much, but outside of that sort of pedestrian analysis, it seems like the essence of why dave and paul and i were freinds, and as close and happy as we were, has finally drained away.
With the band went us, and with us went college, and with college went the pod of youth/adulthood and everything else along with it.
But slowly.
And now April's half gone, and I feel pretty much all gone.
And i'm angry, but not in the driving, burning way that makes you break furniture and pick fights.
I'm angry in a hollow, uncertain way that has my bitterness probing in each direction in an effort to find a target. I'm back to doubting myself. I'm back to disliking and avoiding freinds and people that i care about.
Especially with dave, but with paul as well to some extent, I wonder that I've sewn the seeds for what's happening. I wonder at it, but i know that I sewed them probably because whatever it is inside of me that pushes people away does so because it knows, like with 2916 and At the Wheel, that the Belief and the hopes and the dreams that were a part of our band were beyond reality. WE may still all be better people for it, but our perspective then, and our dreams then, were so far gone that their departure was not only inevitable but probably necessary.
I probably said that wrong because in reading over it, i sound like i'm saying that it was all bullshit. I'm not saying that. Just that it was all too bigger-than-life, and after the fall of the band there wasn't anything else to keep that closeness, those dreams, and that surreal life alive.
So i'll miss it, and i'm angry and sad to see it, to see Paul and Dave, and to see 2916 Calvert go. Its funny because our apartment was a fantastically delapidated piece of shit.
It's funny because there were nights where I actually bloodied my knuckles against my roomates faces.
It's funny because there were nights where the band sounded like a bunch of fingerless primates whacking their instruments and yelling at eachother.
but i'll still miss it.
And i'm still afraid of what's next.
Like logan is afraid of that haircut appointment she's got coming to her on Tuesday.
She's a good dog.
Good little Logan.
Smelly Logan.
The best Ogan.
is Logan.
enough of this - as always - better days ahead.
*PS. apologies for the sophmoric poetry of yesterday's post. I liked it because at the time i wrote it, it still felt cool to really dislike popular marketable consumer culture. It was back in the Propaghandi days.
But that's not even what it's really about - i wrote it to be about what i felt all the options and easiness i had in my life could do to me - and maybe how the bombardment of this shit-conglamerate-culture, of simplicity, of atrificiality, and of all that is good and bad about American life can drive otherwise good and talented people into spoilage and atrophy.
um, now, apologies for that. no more writing.
Comments:
Post a Comment
